Monthly Archives: March 2012
I’m sleeping soundly last night, dreaming of the day that I disappear into obscurity with the suitcase full of diamonds that I keep hidden in my basement. Then it occurred to me: All of Eddie Murphy’s movie posters feature him with raised eyebrows. Here’s a few:
Golden Child, Metro, Beverly Hills Cop, Harlem Nights.. Heck, all of them!
I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m out of my mind. If so, feel free to leave a message. I’ll be in the basement.
From all sorts of sources on the web today, the word is that the Quaker Oats spokesmodel (and Barbara Bush lookalike) “Larry” has gotten a makeover. And here’s the proof:
Larry? Seriously? I didn’t know that Quakers named their kids “Larry”. I thought they all had crazy names; like Adolphus, Gideon, Thaddeus, or Shaniqua. Larry? Really? And the crazy part of this is that THIS isn’t a makeover. Do you really see much weight loss? Looks like he just quit drinking Michelob Amber Bock beer for a day and lost some of the bloating.
Want a makeover? THIS is a makeover:
Aunt Jemima went from Hattie McDaniel’s “Gone With The Wind” character to Oprah Winfrey overnight. Top that, Quaker Oats. Or anybody else out there who’s thinking of changing their spokes-cartoon. I’m looking straight at you, Toucan Sam.
Stopped at a convenience store in the Delta this afternoon and saw this car:
Are you f***ing kidding me? Seriously? The names that parents are giving their kids in the state is downright embarrassing. And impossible to spell. How did they come up with this one? Open a game of Scrabble, take a handful of tiles, throw them on the floor and then write it on a birth certificate? Is there even a damn apostrophe in Scrabble? The only people who should be allowed to have apostrophes in their names are the Hawaiians. They’re always running around and needlessly throwing apostrophes on names of their cities, businesses, and children.
Could it be that Shaniqua is Hawaiian? Hell no.
Looks like SOMEBODY had a birthday and celebrated at the Mexican restaurant!!!!
Course, this picture was taken is Silao, Mexico. So, technically, every freaking restaurant is a Mexican restaurant. I wonder if they had the Mexican trio band come up and sing “Happy Birthday” in Spanish while the waiter snuck up behind him and smashed is papal face in cake? Nah. Probably not.
Oh, and I have a theory that 99% Mexican restaurants have at least ONE of the following words in their name: Sombrero, Las, El, Aztec and Grande. So, and I’m just taking a stab in the dark here…. But I think Benedict just MIGHT have had his lunch at a place called El Las Grande Azteca Sombrero. And also for the record: I think that hat he’s wearing is just as cool as that one he usually wears. You know the one, right? The kind Spanky used to wear on The Little Rascals? Except all white?
Here we go again… And this time it’s from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, no less. And if you’re playing along at home, that’s two JW references in two posts. Not bad, if you ask me. You try to squeeze those guys into news of the day.
The guy on the far right is supposed to be Jesus. Yes, that Jesus. The one born in NAZARETH! In the MIDDLE EAST! This guy looks like a white, Anglo-Saxon unibomber. Or a chia pet model. No, wait…. I got it. I just figured out where they got their visual of the Savior:
You gotta be kidding, right? Charlton Heston as Moses? And he’s Jesus of Nazareth? C’mon, JWs! Get with it. You should be calling me to help you. As a matter of fact, how about never? Is never OK with you? I’ll be nicer to you guys if YOU’LL BE SMARTER!
And for those of you who are a bit scared right now, don’t worry. Someday we’ll all look back at this moment where I compared Jesus to Charlton Heston and we’ll have a good laugh. God has a sense of humor, too. At least I think that’s true….
Today’s news includes, and I’m not making this up, an article touting the glamourous side of Pakistan. Presumably issued by the Greater Islamabad Downtown Chamber of Commerce, as far as you know, the article says in part:
Say Hello! To Pakistan’s Glamorous Side
“The side of Pakistan that is projected time and time again is negative,” said Zahraa Saifullah, CEO of Hello! Pakistan. “There is a glamorous side of Pakistan, and we want to tap into that.”
Uh, no there’s not. A glamorous side of Pakistan is a myth. Like Santa Claus, Leprechauns, and Eskimos. It’s kind of like having a beautiful monkey cage at the zoo. The only problem is that between all of those monkeys masturbating and throwing their feces all over the place, it doesn’t stay beautiful very long.
Anybody who thinks that there is a glamorous side to Pakistan has a problem. I don’t know what kind of problem they have, but I’ll be it’s hard to pronounce. The best they can hope for is to simply put up signs at the airport that says “Welcome To Pakistan: Gateway To Afghanistan“. That always helps… To compare yourself to something worse to put it in perspective. That’s why is always hang around with Jehovah’s Witnesses. They’re fun.