Monthly Archives: May 2012

I’m Guessing 8cm Dilated

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Hey, she may look like an ignorant redneck be-atch, but you’re wrong.  On the inside, she’s actively making a baby.  That ain’t easy.  And NOTHING helps make a perfectly healthy baby more than Marlboros.  And go-go pants.  With large pockets.

She has to be close to delivery.  I’m pretty sure I can see the head down there.  Maybe she’s walking to Labor & Delivery.  ROLL TIDE!!!

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Hey, Y’all…. Watch This!

‘Serpent-Handling’ West Virginia Pastor Dies From Snake Bite

A “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor (Mark Wolford) died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual, just as the man had apparently watched a snake kill his father years before.  Robin Vanover, Wolford’s sister, told the Washington Post that 30 minutes into the outdoor service, Wolford passed around a poisonous timber rattlesnake, which eventually bit him.  “He laid it on the ground,” Vanover said in the interview, “and he sat down next to the snake, and it bit him on the thigh.”  Vanover said Wolford was then transported to a family member’s home in Bluefield about 80 miles away to recover. But as the situation worsened, he was taken to a hospital where he later died.

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Now I’m pretty confident that I’m not supposed to laugh at the death of another human being; a family member in the life of our conjoined human existence.  As some of you have insinuated, I very well may be an agent of Satan.  But, my duties are largely ceremonial and not worthy of mentioning in the team program.  With all of that said:  HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

It reminds me of a joke that I just made up:

JOKE:  Why should you NOT handle poisonous snakes?

PUNCH LINE:  They can kill you.

Yep.  Just made that one up!  Hey, 99% of all preachers give the other 1% a bad name.  And this fool brother made up 90% of that census.  And I’m even more stupid than this guy because I should be living in WV and borrowing money from the preachers of churches with names like “The Apostolic House of the Lord Jesus in Matoaka“, the name of the church of the recently deceased snake kisser.  Eventually, like casinos, the house (snakes) win.  Just kiss enough of them, or roll the dice long enough, and you lose.  No money coming back!  YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU, AMERISTAR CASINO!!!!!!!  Three seven-outs in a row?  Just bad luck?  My ass.

Oh, sorry.  Never mind the last note.  Anyway,they say that change is inevitable except from vending machines.  It’s true, too.  Well, we may need to amend that saying.  “Change is inevitable except from vending machines, AND from West Virginia, snake-kissing preachers.”  Hey don’t look at me like that.   Look back at the first sentence of the article. Like father, like son?

PS:  Tell me that preacher doesn’t (didn’t) resemble the ex-head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels Black Bears!

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What It Don’t Do

I firmly believe that I am flypaper for freaking idiots.  This is an ACTUAL cash advance store in northern Mississippi.  I’m leaving off the name of the town (Batesville) because I don’t want to hinder the efforts of their local Chamber of Commerce as they try to promote the town as the “Gateway To Your GED“.

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And not only is it a cash advance store, it’s also a “Tax Service”.  I think I’d rather have my taxes done at a strip club than here.  Hell, strippers can’t speak proper English, either.  But, then again, strippers don’t talk.  Or do they?  I’ve seen a lot in action but never heard them speaking.  Let’s just agree that it’s a mystery.

Think about it:  a “CASH ADVANCE” place that does “TAXES”.  Is this who you would trust?  Hey, “What  It Do“, how much would you advance me on my car if I left the title?  It’s a 1975 Ford Neglect and was previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it to Chippendale’s shows.  And I desperately need the money because I still have some checks left in my wallet.  

Remember, kids:  Literacy ain’t everything.


Doggie Porn

I love The First 48.  Great show that really captures the amazing work by homicide detectives.  But this pops up (excuse the pun) in the first 5 minutes:

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Uh, I’m not really sure what kind of joke I can make here.  Seriously.  That damn dog is packing more than I am and he may even be able to beat my ass in a fight.  And I’m the evolved species here with two opposable thumbs.  Call me old fashioned, but I’m not adopting this dog from the animal shelter.  Like I need another thing to make my anxiety worsen, right?


Let’s Play The Feud

Saw this on the updated version of Family Feud last night.

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Personally, I think her name may have been more appropriate if it were Misdemeanor.  Or Mistrial.  That’s because nothing says kindness more than a do-rag.  Take the two kindest folks I know only from TV (and  one from a 2008 encounter at the DFW airport):  50 Cent and Snoop Dogg:

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Or Aunt Jemima.

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Say whatever you want.  My name is Delvan.  I get the whole “strange name” thing.  And for all of you boring whitebread posers named John, Joe, Bill, or Tom, well…  you’re boring.  Unless you’re Tom Hanks.  He’s one of my heroes.  Where the hell am I going with this?

Anyway, Mskindness turned out to be as dumb as a bag of salt.  But, those questions are tricky.

HOST:  Name something you say just before someone sneezes.

ME:  Pika

Tonight you’ll get that joke.  And you’ll never tell anybody that you did.


Screw The Poor. God Wants Quality Stenciling.

Straight from today’s edition of The (Jackson) Clarion-Ledger:

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Now THIS is something to celebrate!  C’mon!  $4,200,000 renovation on a church!  Yeah!

Oh, wait.  Hold on a minute.  You mean that instead of using $4,200,000 to help those who are in desperate need right now, enough money to house and feed all of Jackson’s homeless and needy for a LONG LONG TIME, they used money to (and I’m quoting here):

“restore stenciling on the gothic ceiling ridges, designs behind the side marble altars… a mural above the high altar… to provide… a numinous experience of God through the sacred liturgy and offer many opportunities for spiritual growth…”

Yes.  That is what they did.  And I should be quoting Jesus here regarding the appropriate use of that money.  I should, but He didn’t exactly advocate such things any more than He advocated having His church look for nice patio furniture or really cool choir robes.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.  Heb 13:5

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your posessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then, come follow me.  Matt 19:21

Yeah, I’m thinking that He wouldn’t be “celebrating” like the people at St. Peter’s.  Just think of how much patio furniture you could have bought with $4.2m!


All With A Side of Cholesterol

OK, I’m going to hell (again) for this one, but somebody has to say it.  Everybody notices this and everybody is thinking the same thing:

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I recently sat in this north Mississippi BBQ joint waiting on my order.  These two svelt ladies managed to finish off more food in that short amount of time than I had this week.  As Rodney Carrington says, “I ain’t shittin’ ya.”  Each had a couple of orders of ribs, fries and whatever other side orders came with that much food.

If there is any connection to their reality and mine, I assure you that it’s coincidental.  They probably think that they can burn off most of those calories by driving home faster.  In what alternate universe do you have to live in to allow yourself such reckless depravity?  I said it before:  “You know you’re fat if you knock on doors at Halloween and say “Trick or Meatloaf”.  Or, in this case, “Trick or 2 large rib slabs, fries, baked beans, cole slaw, and sweet tea.  For here.”

When they left, at least they were laughing.  I think it’s healthy to keep a positive attitude when you’re killing yourself.  And that is the only thing healthy with these two.