Monthly Archives: June 2012

Simon Wiesenthal, Emcee

http://news.yahoo.com/miss-holocaust-survivor-crowned-israel-220808016.html

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Miss Holocaust Survivor Contest?  Wow, I can’t believe that.  Wait a minute…  don’t mix up my words and start telling people that I deny the holocaust.  I don’t.  I just deny the contest.  Well, I guess I can’t.  It’s right there for all to see.  OK, I just deny the LOGIC of the contest.  Unless there’s a swimsuit contest.  Then, MAZEL TOV!


Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!!

In life, good news is often times tampered by bad news.  This morning, Obama’s health care mandate passed the Supreme Court; meaning that government will now be able to play in the insurance business AND sink small businesses…. all at the same time.  But, there is GOOD news, too.  Ann Curry got the boot from the Today show!!!!!

She will remain at NBC as a correspondent but told the USA Today that it “was not her idea to leave the show…”.  Curry, who said flatly she was not given enough time to work out the “Today” (problems) added: “I know I am not to blame for the ratings worries.”

In a staged emotional speech this morning, she said something like…

“I’ve climbed mountains, … convinced the Dali Lama to come into our studio, yada yada yada.”

NBC says that she’s going to still be an important part of NBC (I just threw up) with…

“MY choosing of MY team for stories…  me me me me me.”  

She then called herself a groundbreaker and promised to get a tattoo of herself just above her butt crack.

OK, first of all, the mountain she’s referring to is Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa.  It’s not like Mount Everest. Hell, it’s not too much higher than Splash Mountain in DisneyWorld.  But, she didn’t make it.  You simply walk up the trail AND SHE DIDN’T MAKE IT!!!  She flew to freaking AFRICA and DIDN’T MAKE IT!!!!

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Second, this lady can change the mind of a spiritual leader of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE but can’t keep her job as a reporter??  With that confirmed alleged feat alone, she should screw TV and run for Pope!

I could go on and on, but this has just caused Happy Hour to move up a few hours!  Then again, when you have beer in the fridge, every hour is happy hour.  And if I get drunk and fall down, then Mr. & Mrs. US Taxpayer can pay the bill.  Hey, no need to thank me.  I’m a team player.


Kiss My Grits

By the way, I forgot to finish my rant on the whole Waffle House thing.  Now, I don’t want to be like everybody else and make jokes about the waitresses there.  I don’t, but I will.  “What has six arms and four teeth?”  Answer:  The late shift at Waffle House!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Get it?  Four teeth?  That’s funny because there are three women.  You get that by dividing the number of arms (6) by the average most women have (2).  See? Oh, I crack myself up.  Or not.  Anyway, I noticed that Waffle House has ads in the restaurant featuring what they apparently believe in home office to be a fairly accurate sample of the waitress.  Here it is:Image

Then why does my waitress always look more like this?  Or worse?

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Datsuns Don’t Float

I was reading one of those free classified ad papers in northwest Florida last week and I saw tons of ads dealing with cars that were flooded:

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Huh?  Is that a big problem for people in northwest Florida?  Your car getting freaking flooded?  Really? If we’re talking the family and friends of Noah, then OK.  Oh, and Atlantis. I’ll grant you that they had an issue with flooding.  And they were big into automobiles, so there’s a demand.  In fact, Noah was “this close” to building an SUV 300 cubits by 50 cubits, but union workers made that damn near impossible.  And combined with import fees to ancient Mesopotamia, it just wasn’t cost effective.  So he went with an ark.  But northwest Florida?

And one of the ads has a car with some stupid SOB sitting on the trunk surrounded by what appears to be Lake Erie.  Apparently this flood took him completely by surprise.  Otherwise, why are his lights on and how did he get on the car trunk?  Hey, rocks-for-brains, the value of that 1974 Datsun completely depends on how much gas is in the tank.  Walk away and leave it there.  You’re welcome.


Land of the Lost

If they think they’re lost, then they must be the same kind of people that gave their money to Jimmy Swaggart. You know the kind, right? All people are good.. no matter what. Geez….

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I’ll give you an example of what LOST means. Just last week, I found a lost puppy and made sure that he was taken to safety. He was leashed to a mailbox in front of some kid’s house where people were showing up for a party of some sort. The dog had two balloons tied to his collar and a sign on him that said “Happy Birthday, Jimmy”. And now thanks to my generosity, that lost puppy has a new home. The shelter. No need to thank me. It’s what I do.

And by the way, I think these two would make a great duo in an updated version of White Men Can’t Jump.


Cooking With Conviction

This is an actual Waffle House application for employment.  I know because I like to eat there and saw these on the counter.  This is not a joke.  I repeat.  This is not a joke.

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See, these guys at Waffle House are tricky.  They try to get rid of the incompetent applicants before the application even begins.  Notice the first line:  YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 16-YEARS-OLD TO WORK AT A WAFFLE HOUSE RESTAURANT.  Now, look at the first question:  Are you 16-years-old?  And then boxes for Yes and No.

You would have to be the biggest dumbass in the world to fill in the YES box, right?  I don’t care how quickly you can make scramble eggs, you’re a dumbass.  You’d have to be the kind of person that wonders how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren’t for all of those sponges.

The next tricky part is in the middle:  LIST ALL CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS.  Did you notice that they just assume that you have criminal convictions?  Is having an actual killer not a deal-killer at Waffle House?  Some murderer could actually be bringing me my hash browns?  Well, at least an expert in smothering would be handling my “scattered, smothered and covered” order.

And you have to love the part about telephone screening session.  If they have to remind you to TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY, then you have a hiring problem.  And a poor culture.  Oh, let’s be honest. The only culture Waffle House has is bacteria.  But like I said, they have great scattered, smothered and covered hash browns.  But now that convicted felons can make my food, the only question that remains is “covered with what”?


Eat, Drink and Be Mary

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This guy gal person was in Best Buy recently.  That may very well be jailhouse tattoo work, but you gotta give it credit for picking out some nice shoes.  And the scrunchie as a bracelet is multi-faceted in that it also acts as a ponytail holder.

I’d love to go up to him her it and say “The sooner you go ahead and get that whole transition thing over with, the more time you’ll have to take martial arts lessons to start defending yourself.”  But, then I have a good feeling that those pumps would fly off and an ass-whipping would begin.  And I just don’t think my self-esteem can take an “L” to this.

And on top of everything else, I’ll just bet you money that he she it has a bigger penis than I do.  Dammit.