Jesus Wants To Know What’s In Your Box

There’s no better television that evangelical television.  It would be on prime time TV except for the fact that (1) it’s so unbelievable that even The Simpsons looks likes it’s has a better shot at being possible, and (2) each episode would have the same theme.  The episode from Seinfeld where each had to abstain and be “master of their own domain” was funny.  But if EVERY episode was the same damn thing, then who would watch?

Well, I give you these two clowns; each on separate channels at the same time, and each doing the EXACT same thing:


First is Richard Roberts, son of the late Oral Roberts.  Don’t laugh.  He got that nickname in college, I think.  Anyway, guess what good ole Dick is doing?  C’mon, guess….  If you said “begging for money”, then you win!  You win nothing, but you win nonetheless.

You see, Dick here begs for money each time I see him.  And he gets that honestly.  From Daddy.  They follow the book of Matthew, which apparently has the passage:  “Whoever saith money cannot buy happiness knoweth not where to shop“.  That goes along with an Old Testament verse “If two wrongs maketh not a right, then try three“.  That may be in Ezekiel.  Is that even a book?  Let’s just say it is.

Anyway, here he pushes a book called “What’s In Your Box” (you can’t make this up) written by another Roberts.  Hmm.  Dick once apparently told Time Magazine in 1987 (07/13/87 Raising Eyebrows And The Dead) that he saw Daddy raise a child from the dead.  I’m assuming with help from the 900 foot Jesus he saw in 1980 (Tulsa World; 10/16/80).  Some reports have noted that Oral’s income was $88 MILLION in 1980 and $55 MILLION in 1986.  So, you see, they need the money.

And this dude is no slacker…


This dude allegedly has a $20 MILLION Citation X jet (WFAA-TV) and, according to some reports, is worth roughly $769 MILLION dollars.  He’s also apparently been investigated by the US Senate Committee on Finance (  Is that true?  Hell, I don’t know.  But you can’t make this up.  Especially the numbers they are throwing around.

To those of you suckers individuals who were considering throwing away donating your money, I say that my work here is done.  And contrary to what you may be thinking, I’m really easy to love.  And I’m not even asking you for a donation.  Unlike some people.

I wonder what actually is in that box?

PS:  Doesn’t Dick look like the cast member from Who’s Line Is It Anyway?  The one if the front of the pic???


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