Cooking With Conviction

This is an actual Waffle House application for employment.  I know because I like to eat there and saw these on the counter.  This is not a joke.  I repeat.  This is not a joke.


See, these guys at Waffle House are tricky.  They try to get rid of the incompetent applicants before the application even begins.  Notice the first line:  YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 16-YEARS-OLD TO WORK AT A WAFFLE HOUSE RESTAURANT.  Now, look at the first question:  Are you 16-years-old?  And then boxes for Yes and No.

You would have to be the biggest dumbass in the world to fill in the YES box, right?  I don’t care how quickly you can make scramble eggs, you’re a dumbass.  You’d have to be the kind of person that wonders how much deeper the ocean would be if it weren’t for all of those sponges.

The next tricky part is in the middle:  LIST ALL CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS.  Did you notice that they just assume that you have criminal convictions?  Is having an actual killer not a deal-killer at Waffle House?  Some murderer could actually be bringing me my hash browns?  Well, at least an expert in smothering would be handling my “scattered, smothered and covered” order.

And you have to love the part about telephone screening session.  If they have to remind you to TAKE THE QUESTIONS SERIOUSLY, then you have a hiring problem.  And a poor culture.  Oh, let’s be honest. The only culture Waffle House has is bacteria.  But like I said, they have great scattered, smothered and covered hash browns.  But now that convicted felons can make my food, the only question that remains is “covered with what”?


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