Monthly Archives: July 2012

I Vote That We Vote Again

You’ve gotta give it to this Tim Mims guy.  He’s being honest and asking you to cheat the whole electoral system by voting numerous times.  And he IS straight-forward because he’s not beating around the bush about it.  But fair?  Uh, no.

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I just saw the Reverend Al Sharpton go off on a tangent about the proposed voting changes taking place in the US that are designed to ensure that only AMERICANS vote here in AMERICA.  Well, I guess it was him.  It looked like Al Sharpton.  If he had been captured by North Koreans and held in a prison eating just Slim Fast and Ex-Lax.  I guess that whole “Tawana Brawley” fiasco ruined him.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Accuse a cop of rape and find out that the “victim” admittedly lied?  RACISM!  RACISM!  RACISM!  Get the picture??

So why doesn’t the “reverend” go to Clanton, Alabama and picket against Tim Mims asking people to vote multiple times?  And hold the picket in this guy’s front yard?  I know that if he did, it would be hard to find him since the entire freaking yard is blanketed with election signs.  Now, if Al was fat again, then maybe…

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Maybe It’s Just The Roofies Talking

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Thank you, Cosmopolitan.  Finally an article that makes me want to buy your magazine.  That’s because I’ve run into this problem before and didn’t know how to respond.  And it’s not a comfortable situation.

Those vaginas can, indeed, act weird after sex.  No, weird isn’t the word.  They can act like a real bitch.  After a particular hookup in college, I had one say “Is that all you got?”  On another occasion, I had one say “It’s like a penis.  Only smaller.”

Even worse, I once had one ask me to go and get something out of her car.  When I came back, the door was locked.  Who knew that a vagina could lock an apartment door?

Let me tell you, guys.  When those roofies wear off, those vaginas do act weird.  It’s time you got prepared, and buying this issue of Cosmo couldn’t hurt.  You’re welcome.


Rusty & The Judge

I’ve made it clear that I like cartoons from the newspaper.  Even the racist ones from BLONDIE.  But, I don’t like ALL cartoons.  Take this one, for example:

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Who are these two gay guys and how did they get a cartoon?  The younger guy likes that  “pack rod” and the older guy doesn’t care about anything other than them having that place to themselves.  Which one is the Judge?  Sam or Avery?  And isn’t Avery a girl’s name?  No?  Oh, well… it is in this case.

And how about this one?

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Jiminy Christmas.  How long do you think it takes the cartoonist to tell a story?  

TUESDAY:  “Rusty?  Rusty?”

WEDNESDAY:  “Dad, he doesn’t answer.”

THURSDAY:  “Here.  Let me put away my microscope and help you look for him.”

FRIDAY:  “Rusty?  Rusty?”

NOVEMBER 23rd:  “Dad I found him.  He was on the toilet.”

NOVEMBER 24th:  Rusty says “Geez, can’t I get any privacy?”

Hey, Trail family…  Who’s the moocher here?  That lady and her kid are sponging off of the dad, I guarantee it.  Only the old man would live out in the country like that.  Well, him and two gay guys who like “packing rods”.


Scooby Gets The Gold

I know that I should be like everybody else and really get into the Olympics.  Well, for the record…  I tried.  First I watched women’s swimming.  Those girls have no boobs.  What?  Don’t blame me!  It’s not like everybody else isn’t thinking the exact same thing!  And I’m not talking about just the guys, either!  But, it’s not like I watch the women’s volleyball Olympics just to see in-shape women.

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There are so many events that they are holding them on different Direct TV channels.  After swimming, I went to this channel and watched for a while.  But, I gotta tell ya.  The Olympics this year suck.  When did they let dogs and bears in this damn thing?  The world is going to hell.

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PS:  This channel was obviously not in HD.  Looked almost like a 1970s cartoon or something.  Who do I need to email to get this crap changed??


Jenny, I’ve Got Your Number

I absolutely LOVE the CBS show Big Brother.  My dream would be to go on that show; except for the fact that I have to go to the bathroom alone.  With nobody around.  Especially … uh… well, you know.  And doing everything with cameras involved would freak me out.   Oh, and I have to have beer.

Anyway, this season features JENN.  She’s a lesbian New Yorker with tats all over her body, jewelry in odd places and a really bad hairdo.  Almost as bad as mine.  Anyway, something has always bothered me about her.  And tonight I discovered what it is:

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Why didn’t I catch this before?  She’s cross-eyed!  She could literally sit on the front porch and watch the houseguests in the backyard.  Now THAT is cross-eyed.  Bee-atch better never get a DUI.  She’d never pass that whole “flashlight in the eye” test.

Hey, Jenn… I’m keeping an eye on you.  Get it?? Get it?  Keeping an “eye on you”???  Yeah.  Original!


Eulogy

I’m about to get a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE UPSET!  Can’t help it.  It’s what I do.

Here’s an ad that I saw yesterday from a local Mississippi paper:

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I’ve seen these on FaceBook and other places, too.  OK, I get it.  If you placed this “ad”, then you miss your loved one.  But here’s the news flash:  THEY CAN’T READ IT!

These things are directed at the dead person as if they’re going to be reading the paper or checking-in from Heaven!  “It’s hard to believe it’s been 5 years since you left us.”  Like that dude is going to put a response in the paper that says “Yeah, and I’m not to happy about it either.”

The ones on FaceBook are great, though:

“Bob, you were a real inspiration to all of us in the family.  That is until we found out that you were doing my sister.  And my mom.  I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since I shot your ass while you were trying to run out of the back door of my trailer.  Well, Bob, I get out of prison today.  And I miss you.  Well, not all of the time.  I didn’t miss you 20 years ago.  And that was while you were moving!  Oh, Bob.  You know I’m kidding.  Keep in touch.  And thanks again for the herpes.  My sister says hello.”


Arrow Smith

Here’s another magazine that I saw today.  Primitive Archer magazine.

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How the hell can a magazine about primitive archery be in publication since 1992?  “Passing On The Tradition of Classical Archery”.  Huh?  What the hell is the difference between classical archery and every other kind of archery?  Same steps:  (1) Insert arrow, (2) pull bow string back, (3) kill defenseless animal from your deer stand, (4) drink more beer.  Yes, they drank beer in primitive times.  Archeologists have found beer cans from as far back as 5000 years ago in caves.  And in each one, they also found antlers on the walls. 

Seriously.  This is bullshit.  You cannot tell me that there is enough information found on this topic to warrant a magazine for 20 YEARS!  Or enough subscribers to pay for the staples holding it together.  I guess we could have a magazine called “OIL CHANGE MAGAZINE” or maybe even “CLASSICAL GRASS CUTTING MAGAZINE” but…  why?  Wouldn’t each issue look pretty damn similar to the one before?

Maybe I’m being too tough on them.  I buy ATHLON’s college football magazine each year only to find that ONCE AGAIN they’ve predicted Mississippi State to be worthless for the year… just like the last issue.  WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL WE GET ANY RESPECT???