Everything Must Go, And The Sooner The Better

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If you live in central Mississippi, speak English, have an FM radio and the ability to hear, then you know about Carter Jewelers.  These guys are the UNLUCKIEST bastards in the free world.  They have their normal weekly sales that range from the NCAA Final Four Sale to Mothers Day Sale.  But, every other week (and I’m not kidding) some new misfortune has bitten them in the arse and they have to have a sale.

Remodeling Sale

Roof Leaked Sale

Settling A Corporate Estate Sale

Prostate Not Working Sale 

They have so many damn sales, that the Better Business Bureau got involved with them.  On May 16, 2012, the BBB asked the company to 

“substantiate, modify, or remove its continued advertised claim(s) “Lowest ticketed Price” ,”Store-Closing prices”, ” Everything already marked down 50-80%”, “Additional 40% off the already marked down price”.  … The BBB has made two or more attempts to contact the company and has not received a response.  The advertising challenge has been referred to the appropriate government agency which regulates advertising for this company.

The next commercial should just say:

“Ladies, Gentlemen, and everybody else:  Carter Jewelers has had a bit of bad luck recently.  My wife has been bitten by a cobra and needs anti-venom quickly.  So, we are marking everything 90% off of the Half-Off of the Fall Sale Special.  And if you can do that math, I’ll kiss a monkey in the ass.  We need that medicine quickly because she’s turning a bit ashy; almost like that color Beetlejuice turned when his head was shrunken by that witch doctor.  No reasonable offer will be rejected.  Honey?  Honey?  Oh, God, please hurry in to buy something!”

I’ll start keeping you up-to-speed on the Carter Jewelers sales… just so that you can see for yourself.  You’ll have to Google the outcome of the who cobra thing yourself.

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