Granny, Dudu, Branson and Me

I just got back from a conference in Branson, Missouri.  Have you been to Branson?  No?  Well that is proof that God loves you.  Let me tell you about this place….

First, picture Las Vegas.  On a budget.  With no gambling.  And in a place where people think The Andy Griffith Show is reality television.  This is a place where you could theoretically see a “Six Flags Over Jesus”.  This is a place where you can be home-schooled and look forward to your 20-year reunion.  The state motto for Missouri is “Don’t Judge Us By Branson”.

This is a place where you can literally see a “Motel and Convenience Store”.  Really?  You go to the same counter to get 15 gallons of unleaded and a wake-up call.  Get the picture?

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The “strip” is littered with theaters and pre-fab buildings with lots of neon signs.  Mostly pre-fab buildings with lots of neon and signs.  Now, to make that visual a little more real, do the following:

  1. Think of a name.  But it HAS to be somebody that you’ve never met.  Like somebody named “Theodore Dunkle”.  Hell, whatever.
  2. Now, picture an entire 6 mile strip of theaters advertising an “amazing show” by Theodore Dunkle.
  3. If that show isn’t by a “Theodore Dunkle”, then it must be a show by some large family.  The kind where momma plays bass, daddy plays fiddle, granny is on the drums, and sister and brother sing and dance.  Think Mormon Hee Haw.
  4. That show must have a comedy act that consists of something that I can only describe as “country nerds”.  That’s Missouri law, folks.  No shows without country nerds.  Well, except the 15 Elvis shows littering every other corner.  Elvis hated nerds.

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And, your Elvis show is allowed to have an opening act with the name “Dudu”.  Probably a close description of the act.  And by the way, I look more like Elvis that this guy.  OK, it’s the fat Elvis from 1977, but still…

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And you can distinguish yourself by having something called “Rocking Comedy”.  I’m guessing that somebody looking a lot like Vince Neil from Motley Crue does knock-knock jokes until the audience leaves.  And if that doesn’t work, then put on a Neil Diamond Tribute.  That should clear the damn place out in about 10 minutes.

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I’m done.  Wanted to say more, but I will end up in Branson again next August and the last thing I need is for Granny, Dudu and one of those country nerds to try to “even the score”.

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One response to “Granny, Dudu, Branson and Me

  • Delvan's my hero

    You have quite a future as a travel critic – maybe a future show on the travel channel. However, don’t worry about checking your mailbox for any coupons from the Branson Holiday Inn any time soon.

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