God Said Bake Me An Apple Pie

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Great book for all of the engaged women out there.  And the “surprising results” noted on the cover shouldn’t be surprising…. especially since Proverbs 31:3 says “Do not spend your strength on women”.  Then it goes on and on for 29 more verses telling women to make clothes and bed coverings, work hard, buy vineyards, select good sewing material, and even get get up while it’s still night to cook for everybody.  Yeah, all guys like the sound of that.  But where’s the part about being a freak in the bedroom?  Let’s be honest.  That’s what we’re looking for.  Right guys?  I want a book that says “God demands me to do the Reverse Cowgirl at least once a month”.  Maybe that’s in Psalms somewhere.

Either way, that’s better than trying to write a book called “My So-Called Life As A Deuteronomy 22 Wife”.  That portion of the Bible says the following (among other things):

* If any man gets married, does the nasty with her, and then finds out that he is sick of her BS, then he can accuse her of not being a virgin on their wedding day.  The father of the  bride then has to PROVE that she was a virgin (WITH EVIDENCE).  If the bride’s father wins, the groom owes some money.  If she wasn’t, she gets stoned to death.  Like with real stones.

* If a virgin is engaged to somebody and another man finds her in the city and does the nasty, then both get stoned because she didn’t cry out in the city.

* If a guy finds a virgin who’s not engaged, takes her and rapes her, then the man owes the girl’s father some money and he has to marry her.

* Oh, and no dude can bang his mother.  Or step-mother.

So, there you have it.  I’d bet the results of being a Deuteronomy 22 wife wouldn’t be that surprising.  If you live in Tehran.

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